I’m more of a Band-Aid Kind of Gal…Unless You look like Jason Stackhouse
No previouslies this week. I’m rather disappointed, a lot went down. To be fair if you didn’t watch last week’s episode go do that now. Also make sure to read my full recap of “She’s Not There” for all the gritty goodness.
Previously on True Blood:
Sookie returned from Fairyland to discover 12 months had passed. Jason had sold her house to a mysterious buyer, Eric. With impeccable timing he shows up as soon as Sookie is naked to announce “you are mine” and bares his fangs. Jason is still playing caretaker to the meth-orphans in Hot Shot until the meth-babies hit him over the head and lock him in a freezer. Lafayette is a powerful witch and Bill is now the Vampire King of Louisiana.
“You Smell Like Dinner”
Because this show is super freaky, we return this week with Jason waking up tied to a cot somewhere wonders aloud “Is someone licking my head?” Yes Jason, someone is, because these meth-people are shifter types and one of the kids, aptly called Jimbo is trying to heal the gash on his head by licking it, which we watch for an uncomfortable amount of time before Jason asks him to stop
“It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the licking, because I do, but I’m more of a band-aid kind of guy”
It’s not until after the credits that we go back to where last week dropped us off, but if we’re doing it in order of when the cliffhanger was introducd then we’re right on track.
Since we left off last week Sookie has managed to find a bathrobe much to the dismay of Anna Paquin fans everywhere. It also appears that Eric’s fangs were just for show, she doesn’t appear to have been bitten, just annoyed.
Our little Fairy Princess is a princess indeed. She rejects all of Eric’s advances immediately declaring it will never he like it was with Bill. I’m sure that all parties (including us) are hoping so too. Eric wants to make a deal, his protection, which she so obviously needs if she intends to require living in exchange for, something vague but probably including the privilege of tasting her sweet, sweet fairy blood.
Eric continues to provoke Sookie, claiming that her feisty side is the fairy Sookie coming out and he likes it. I’m personally not sure I can tell the difference between regular Sookie and Fairy Sookie, they both seem pretty set on rejecting and provoking people who want to protect her from even scarier creatures that are surely after her. Eric leaves quietly, promising to fix the squeaky screen door. A sexy protector Viking King landlord that does repairs! I’d be all over that.
And we’re back at Bill’s Kingly Estate where we see him with his witchy spy Katerina. A year certainly has changed things. Bill now seems to have no problem eating his spies for dinner while also using them for his sexy time fun (isn’t he also hooking up with Portia Bellefleur?). Either way, Bill has changed, he might actually be interesting this season. I’m excited.
Putting these scenes with Eric and Bill so close together has just highlighted how the tables have turned. Bill has stepped into the role of the Big Bad Scary Vamp with the Power and Eric into the reluctantly subservient and probably rogue protector of the sweet fairy Sookie. More on all this later because shit (as it always does) manages to get like 10x weirder by the end of this hour.
Fangtasia – As it turns out, despite the progress made in Vampire rights with the legality of Vampire marriage coming into play not too long ago (nice timing with New York passing their Gay marriage laws) there are still folks who hold a lot of hate in their hearts. Those folks are getting their hate on with signs, chants and smart phones outside Fangtasia. As usual, Pam is not amused.
One of the protesters tries to provoke Jessica and Hoyt, and threatens them with their smartphone, reminding her that any reaction, however small will be used against her all over the internet in a matter of seconds. This is the world we live in. A lot of shows for plot convenience decide to forget about our technology, I love that even in backwater Louisiana in Bon Temps and Shreveport people are on their iphones.
Sam is still running in the forest with his animal friends. It’s still boring so I’m going to skip it so I don’t have to be bored by it again.
Back at King Bill’s Kingly Estate where we’re treated to him having creepy Vampire sex with Katerina, his nerdy/sexy witch spy and his dinner. Meanwhile, Sookie the bright bulb that she is decides to run for help from from the sexy Vamp trying to protect her. She may have momentarily forgotten that Bill is her her ex-boyfriend vampire who very recently (in fairy time) broke her heart and then tried to kill her and then assumed she was dead.
Sookie runs into all the Kings soldiers manning the boarder, they’re equiped with big guns and Sookie hardly seems put off. When she’s been identified she’s allowed into Bill’s house just in time to see Bill and Katerina throwing their clothes back on.
Sookie starts right in on the temper tantrum because she is the fairy princess and the most important person ever. She demands that since Bill is all big and powerful now he make Eric sell her back the house and relinquish his claim on her. Bill doesn’t seem impressed by the demands or really seem like he wants to do it at all. He puts her off by saying that even if he can do anything at all it will take time.
That doesn’t sit well with our ever impatient Sookie and she snaps at Bill about his new Kingly status and wonders how he got there. Before he can open his mouth to answer she declares “every time I find out something new about you I wish I didn’t know it”, finally she gets something right. But luckily for us this prompts a delicious flashback to London in the 80s.
Thanks to Buffy every time Vampires and the 80s mix I have flashes of SPike and Billy Idol. It could be a lot worse. It could be what I’m actually getting. Stephen Moyer makes the least convincing punk rocker basically, ever. He walks into the bar and starts chatting up the bartender. I couldn’t really tell if Bill was hitting on Callum or glamouring him, but truth be told it’s really one in the same isn’t it.
Either way, mission accomplished because next thing we know Bill is sucking on Callum’s neck and trying to glamour him into forgetting as a very amazingly and fabulous Nan Flanagan looks on.
Nan has been tracking Bill, she notices that he doesn’t kill his prey. Bill claims mainstreaming is a pipe dream but Nan and her organization have got Louis Pasteur on the job creating a synthetic substitute.
Now into the nitty-gritty. The Vampire Monarchy wont be pleased with the raggedy upstarts group’s attempts to break-free of vampire tradition. Bill’s going to be Nan’s inside man.
As with any good story Bill’s path has been complicated. He started off with good intentions, the inside man fighting the good fight for the American Vampire League, for mainstreaming, for freedom from the monarchy. Every inside agent story ends with corruption, Bill’s is no different.
Back to Hot Shot – Andy shows up seeking some hush-drugs for the folks out there, and Jason is trying to get his attention just out of sight. Of course Jason has a huge hole in the toe of his sock and Andy is incompetent. Andy drives away with his fix and Jason, the struggling hero remains tied to a dirty cot.
Merlotte’s – Is the baby really evil or is Arlene just losing her shit. If this was any other show I wouldn’t have to ask. Terry is rambling on about how videos are DVDs or Blurays but really he has no idea about that or that his wife is beyond nuts. Arlene doesn’t hear a word as she’s staring into the eyes of her satanic spawn until her eye bleeds. I’m pretty sure that demon-spawn is going to be one of this show’s “miss” story lines but hey – prove me wrong show.
Sookie..err.. Eric’s House – Tara returns (ugh) and before Sookie can celebrate Queen Mab makes her only appearance of the night, tearing through the planes at Sookie then disappears leaving us with boring Tara/Sookie reunion. Tara smartly doesn’t expect much of a homecoming in Bon Temps where everything is always going to shit, so at least we’re good on that.
Eric has left Sookie charming notes on the door and on the table. He bought her a brand new microwave… Sookie is not impressed and continues to look around, she finds nothing but TruBlood in the fridge and predictably, stomps off in a huff to find that Eric has also installed a very fancy hidy-hole for himself.
Tara rolls her eyes because she knows Sookie’s tantrums are nothing new. Come to think of it, having Tara back might be okay so long as we can please stop only torturing her, or give her any of her own scenes.
Home-Sweet-Hoyt & Jessica – Jessica is bugging out of boredom and Hoyt cannot seem to ever remove his foot from his mouth regarding the fact that his girlfriend is actually a Vampire and he knows that it’s pretty damn weird. This leads Jessica to run out with Hoyt’s car keys and find herself at the literal crossroads between Bon Temp and Shreveport (where Fangtasia is located for all a y’all who haven’t been paying attention). Anyone wanna guess right or left? It’s an easy one.
King Bill’s Kingly Estate – Our heads are still spinning at the change in the power balance as Bill orders Eric to take care of the crazy witches down at Moon Goddess Emporium. Eric scoffs and whines and delegates to Pam until Bill lets it slip that those wackos burning incense have also been raising the dead. The Necromancing bit gets his attention. Remember the inquisition? If they can control the dead, they can control us.
One last thing, Eric wonders if the AVL know about this threat. Bill puts on most badass face, which props to Stephen Moyer is pretty awesome and declares “Ah am the King of Louisiana, I do not have to ask anyone for permission”. *chills*
Finally we revisit the cliffhanger of how the Hidden Vampire Crouching Swat Team face-off went down and oh, there we go in the title. Bill had back up when he fought the former Queen Sophie Anne, armed with the AVL, Nan Flanagan and a SWAT team with big guns full of wooden bullets. Just when I was thinking that this season of True Blood was kinda light on the gore, Sophie Anne exploded all over her AMAZING outfit.
Nan struts in after the violence is all over and Bill is still covered in Queen. He deftly says Sookie was nothing special when Nan inquires what all the fuss was about with Sophie Anne sending Bill on a never ending mission after her.
This next part is important, this is where Bill completes his turn to the darkside. He looks at Nan and says “I swear it on the office I am to accend to” Sophie lied and that’s what happened to her, Nan swears him in by the power invested by the one true authority, and Bill is made King.
Fangtasia – the fun starts to go down. Sookie who is pissed off at everyone because he hates the attention she’s given but can’t get enough, runs straight to another vampire for help. Lucky for us it’s Pam and her sass is enough to save any scene she’s in. “Are we girls now, did we join a book club and read queer chick lit together?” Pam tries to tell Sookie that she still doesn’t give two shits about her but if girl’s gonna be wise she’ll take her protection where she can. Eric will protect her as much as it pains Pam to say it. Sookie is content to sulk in the corner (or so we thought).
Jessica made her choice, she pushes through the Vamp-Hating Protesters, straight onto the dance floor doing the sexy letting her hair down thing on the way. She marks her prey as the music slows and we hear the thump of blood running through his veins. It is so on!
Next thing we know Jess has got that boy in the bathroom getting her snack on. Cue the ruiner of fun, Sookie happens to be using the ladies room and hears Jessica’s voice. She puts on her best judgy voice and lectures Jessica about right and wrong and Hoyt. Jessica grows her lady pair and snaps at Sookie that she ain’t her Step-Mom and to back off, she didn’t like her when she was with Bill and she likes her less now. So back off! “I can eat who I want”
Down at Moon Goddess Emporium Marnie is itching to raise the dead again, but this time a dead body. The not-a-coven seems divided on the issue but the question of where one might acquire a dead body is raised just in time for Eric to walk in the door.
Eric insists the not-a-coven halt their necromancing ways, and when Marnie stands up to the great Viking King and refuses he promptly grabs her and begins draining her of her blood. The not-a-coven fights back by hold hands and chanting. Tara in the corner stops eye-rolling for half a second to try and and kill Eric with a stake. Since she’s only a cage-fighters and not the superhuman undead he bests her. With Tara in danger, Lafayette finally joins the circle and Marnie’s crazy starts-a-flowin’.
Eric see’s something in Marnie’s face and then ….
Hot Shot. Crystal enters Jason’s room, she’s ripped his shirt up
so we can see his abs to use as a gag. She tells Jason that they’re going to make a baby since she tried with her brother but he’s been shooting blanks. Jason seems okay with this idea but wonders why the brother is still in the room for the baby-making. He wonders more once the both of them begin to disrobe. Turns out to procreate you first have to become one of them. We leave Jason this week being possibly devoured by meth-head white-trash were-panthers.
Sookie is driving home and finds a handsome, shirtless and much younger looking Eric on the side of the road. Has no idea who she is but he asks “Why Do you Smell So Good?” All together now: “Because she smells like dinner”.
Biggest WTF Cliffhangers of the Week:
What the fuck is up with Eric? Is his mind wiped? Did he turn human? What happened to his shirt?
Will Jason become a panther daddy?
Let’s Make thing a thing. I’ll leave you again with this week’s title song by John Kamys “You Smell Like Dinner”